Day 9: Then is Now: Letting Go of Resentment

21 days to happiness: My story and 3 things I am thankful for: 

Years ago I attended personal growth and leadership seminars by Earnie Larsen, who used the analogy of “Who is driving your bus?” to illustrate how people hold on to resentments and that often, “then is now.” So let me give you an example of what he meant by that.

When Johnny was 7 years old, his parents were constantly at odds and one day, while they were fighting, he began screaming at them to stop, started sobbing and ran outside. No one came to console him, apologize or explain the argument was not about him.

It broke a part of his spirit and sample messages he could have carried from that might be “love hurts, nobody listens to me anyway, I will never allow others to be that much in control again,” etc.

Now, what if we put that seven-year old’s outdated lie in charge of driving his life (aka bus) for 50 years? Who is behind the wheel? That is an awful lot of years of pain and false data from which he establishes his viewpoint. The reality is, his parents were probably young and just trying to figure things out themselves, but that was not what he took from the experience.

Examples like this play out every day at home and at work. As leaders,we manage people with various backgrounds and social styles. Perhaps if we keep stories like the one above in mind, it can help us incorporate emotional intelligence and compassion into our professional environments in ways that are healthy. Intent, usually comes from the right place and situations are not always as they seem at first glance.

Hanging on to resentment is a painful form of abuse that prevents us from having self-compassion, but all too often, we may not even realize we are clinging to a given injustice. That resistance gets us emotionally jammed and a majority of people do not have any idea how to get unstuck.

One solution? “And acceptance is the answer to all of my problems today.”  Someone once told me there are four stages that shine in the face of love. They are:

1. Allowing
2. Acceptance
3. Approval
4. Appreciation

These four things are at the core of who we are when we are born. What if we made it our goal to live these principles in every aspect of our lives daily as a way to get back to our core being? Including loving all of our resentments and saying yes, accepting the things we can’t control. What if this was your personal growth homework? What have you got to lose? Try it for a few days and let me know how it works for you. Who is driving your bus today?

Three things I am grateful for today:

1. The process of allowing, acceptance, approval and appreciation.
2. The idea that “If you don’t give yourself any options, you don’t have any choices.” There is always another way, we get to seek the counsel of others to help us with that.
3. That I have learned how to give myself permission to let go of old resentments and lies

Passion, Intention and the Power of Words

Self-awareness and emotional intelligence are important for all of us.  So is how we frame our personal brand, which is more powerful than we know. I believe that most of us have good intentions, but that doesn’t mean people will always understand whether or not those intentions are meaningful.

I have known people who are passionate and care about the work they are doing so much you can see their perseverance and determination. When they care about things they do it in a BIG way by taking on a new task, making a difference for others, staying focused, etc. These traits can work for us or against us. Passionate people are often misunderstood and can be  judged as trying to be in control because they have high expectations of themselves and others.

What if we took a step back and asked ourselves what their intent is?

The key is positioning. We have to be reminded there is always another way and often a good mentor can help us remember that. The video below does an amazing job of getting the point across.